Question:Introducing vanilla people

[Mistress Sara]

How would you introduce someone who is vanilla into the kink world?

Or would you?

[sensualservitude]

Hello Mistress Sara,

i have been lifestyle for almost 10 years now and what i usually do is to start softly with pampering, such as cooking a nice meal followed by a footbath if She so desires. Usually, i like to find out what Her favourite scent is and try to find a balm (such as from the store, Lush) which fizzes and provides that sensual touch too.

slave andrew

[John]

How would you introduce someone who is vanilla into the kink world?

Depends. If it was Ken, I'd make him drink 4 gallons of Starbuck's coffee and then force him to watch the Supersonics lose to a high school basketball team without taking a pee break...

[Mistress Sara]

Ohhhhhh.....how bout some ointment for that burn! that was funny...:D

[undrneath1]

How would you introduce someone who is vanilla into the kink world?

I personally don't believe that anyone is truly "vanilla".

We all have our kinks. the trick is to find out what they are. most likely the the vanillas aren't consciencely aware of their own kinks but we all have them.

[leroy47]

Aha....psychic cartography! i'm with Underneath on that one. Maybe there are just those with imagination and those without (plus all the various gradations in between). Sad to think that some will remain without throughout their lives.

[Mistress Sara]

You see tendencies in someone and just have this gut feeling that they would enjoy being a part of the kink world, how would you go about it.

[leroy47]

Hey Mistress Sara.....difficult to answer that question without asking other questions:
What is your motivation for wanting to do it?
Is the person a friend of yours?
How old are they - approximately?
Man or woman?

Sorry about all the questions! Also, I'm not an expert....but it's an interesting topic!

[leroy47]

Mistress Sara....sorry if the questions above seem inappropriate or intrusive. Just trying to get a handle on this...you seem to be asking for practical suggestions. Why not just bring it up in conversation, in a subtle way; watch and observe closely the reaction. If the person is a friend....could be tricky....might affect your friendship. Anyway, you will know what to do for the best....feminine intuition!

(I think there is a rule about double posting but can't find it....hope i'm not in trouble!)

[Mistress Sara]

leroy47-

It is an interesting topic, and I would like to know from others if they have ever done this and how it worked out. Or..do you pretty much stay within the kink circle?

I think that women are more open to ideas than men are because we are more flexible. (a nice way of letting you know that we are better than you!)

[mbw]

Mistress Sara,

This is a tough one to answer. My wife and I are not into this scene 24/7 but really enjoy playing the mistress - slave roles, probably 70% of the time or more. There have been several times we have wanted to bring in a 3rd party (mistress) and have run across several ladies over the years that fit the bill but have gone no further than to drop a few hints about our sex life or the games we play, hoping they would catch on and want to participate.

My wife is hesitant to come out and ask someone "Hey, do you want to help me dominate my husband/ slave?" for fear of ruining a friendship. Serving a woman until she is totally satisfied or happy with no guarantee of relief of any type for the slave is a great turn on for both of us. Unfortunately everyone isn't as open minded as we are and some people have a different perception of the difference between normal, kinky and perverted. In our opinion anything done between two (or more) consenting adults is normal, or maybe a little kinky, but OK with us. Sadly some people think anything other than missionary sex is kinky or perverted.

We do have things that we consider perverted and almost all of them are addressed in the rules of this forum. We often define the difference between the two as explained to us years ago - The difference between kinky and perverted is "If your kinky you use the chicken feather but if your perverted you use the whole chicken" but everyone doesn't get it.

Oh well, enough rambling.

mbw

[Lars33]

leroy47-

It is an interesting topic, and I would like to know from others if they have ever done this and how it worked out. Or..do you pretty much stay within the kink circle?

I think that women are more open to ideas than men are because we are more flexible. (a nice way of letting you know that we are better than you!)

Dear Mistress Sara,

my very first Mistress really loved to convince her feamle friends of the benefits of female domination and in general she had three main strategies to do so.

One used to be a very soft demonstration of our lifestyle. This means, she had me treat her with extreme affection and attention when her friens where around. She never did any housework herself and made our flat a place, all of her friends loved to visit and stay for a weekend. Actually she never used commmandos, but whenever she asked "would you" or "please get us.." I had to do, what she wanted. Besides that I would sit at her feet very often to massage or simply warm them. Normally her friends where highly intrigued by the power she executed over me and by my devotion to her. Sometimes they expresssed their exitement or asked if I ever do what she wants.

Another way to start a talk was her fetish for elegant high heels. She was famous for that and when women talked about those shoes beeing uncomfortable, she would say something like "he must massage them every day". Or when they talked about her shoes beeing sexy she would lead the discussion into a talk about feet as erotic zones and how happy she would be because I lick her feet every day.

Third of the typical entries was, when women complained about their males faults. She would then tell them how to manipulate and educate men and why I would never do the things her friends complain about.

Actually this worked pretty good and some of her friends became rather domineering lateron...

[Vinylqueen]

I think one of the easiest ways to "feel some out" about their kink potential is to either have them watch a movie that has a small aspect of kink in it, or have them go shopping with you. Here's the idea:

1. Everyone enjoys watching movies. If you rent a DVD, then you're in the privacy of your own home and people are more comfortable in a private setting. I know more women that lighten up A LOT with a drink or two, so if you add that to the mix, then you can probably get to her true feelings about a topic. Then if you guage her reactions during certain parts and discuss them real time or later, the dialogue has been iniated. If her reaction is to be horrified, then better leave well enough alone. If her reaction is somewhat titilatted or curious, then you have an open door to talk about the topic, but without telling her exactly what YOU do.

2. If you go shopping together, you will inevitably see shoes for sale that are somewhat "fetishy." Walk by said pair, pick them up and then make a comment about what they could be used for, or that some guys actually like to lick shoes, etc. Guage her reaction and then go from there...

Hope this helps!

VQ

[sidglimmer]

The eyes tell a lot. The way a woman carries herself physically and in conversation is another clue. However conversation has been the tell all for me. After you first meet someone you connect with and you go through that interview stage the topic of ex's and past sexual experiences usually comes up. I have asked the question "what's the wildest thing you ever did sexually?" 9 times out of 10 you're not going to here: One time I fucked my ex husband up the ass witha strapon dildo while my girlfriend sat on his face and made him lick her asshole because they might be afraid to reveal anthing too sonn. However it almost always followed up by "what about you" This opens the door. Depending on the woman and her first revalation, you can either one up or get it going with something wild you think might fly or just to see how she reacts. Both will tel a lot. Another approach is to discuss your past experiences with an ex. However, be warned this comes with a double edge. Most women who dig you want to be better than an ex and get into a competion in their own mind to outdo her. I had one woman who actually went on the internet looking up how to become a dominatrix without telling me she was doing it. Unfortunately she became turned off most of what she found and basically just indulged a few kinks of mine. The double edge is if you dig the woman on everything but the kink isn't there she will always feel inadequate in regard to the experiences you revealed. Someday if you're lucky you might find a woman like I have that brings it up first. Look out!

[Rostand]

Hi there Mistress Sara,

Movies have always helped me out in this (as Vinylqueen suggested). Thank God there are many around, some even with famous Actresses/actors/directors. They send the message: "It is not as bizarre as people think"...if it is in mainstream movie, a lot of people think it must be "normal"...then you discuss the movie and there you go!

[DD imprint]

My mistress and I sort of drip fed some of our closest friends and relatives little snippets and comments here and there until they gradually built up a picture of what we're into and that we actually do things together. When my wife bosses me about blatantly in front of friends or family, I always say in a jokey way that "I know my place - firmly under the stiletto" then we have a chuckle and laugh it off, but they get the point! When we have guests that we're comforable with she'll say 'go and make the coffees' quite bluntly, just like that. I bow slightly and say yes mistress. Again, we don't make a big issue of it in front of people, its just enacted as though perfectly routine. That 'normality' of the understated role play drives the point home to people far more than turning on some theatrical performance that would make all in the room feel uncomfortable.

[Jadis]

How would you introduce someone who is vanilla into the kink world?

Or would you?

Obviously you and I have discussed this (nothing like tipping back a "Red Headed Slut" and discussing what makes a man tic ^_~) and I thought I'd give a bit of personal light to the general issue ...

I, for one, have - and am currently - introducing someone into the wonderful world of my personal kink. He's never been exposed to this sort of lifestyle before, so he's as completely raw as they come. But we can now easily say that he's becoming one of the most experienced of all his personal group! And I think both Mistress Sara and kenrug can vouch for the lovely way he's coming along as well ... makes a Lady proud to know her work is appreciated.

I began with honesty - pure and simple. I refuse to sugarcoat and color issues ... and I'm more than willing to give people my honest answer on many things. I'm neither shy nor intimidated by what I do ... if I were, I wouldn't be doing it - and doing it for so long! After a few regular vanilla discussions, we started to delve into various personal experiences ... and I began dropping a few hints: nothing serious but I did use a couple of terms and ideas that were new to him. Afterwards he went and looked online to see what they meant (hehe that was a great shock) he came back to me and asked more.

It's been a matter of much discussion, observation and slowly working in mild aspects into day to day life. Obviously I can't give you a whole grand working scheme as of yet, we're still in the process of opening up the doors to him ... but I've found that the best policy between us is: honesty, understanding and acceptance. And you definitely can't be shy! For expample: there are things he initially wasn't interested in to begin with and ... so far ... he's loved every single one of them ^_~ He just has to give it the good try.

Of course, if you have questions - don't hesitate to ask and I'll attempt to answer them for you as best as I can ...

[kenrug]

And I think both Mistress Sara and kenrug can vouch for the lovely way he's coming along as well.
I’ve now had the chance to encounter him on two social occasions, and I’m happy to say that I like him. He seems well centered and a genuinely good guy. Those qualities are not all that common, and it’s nice to hang out with somebody who has them.

I know your question was about his progress, but I’m not really qualified to answer that. However, I did want to say that I’m looking forward to the next time we get together.

[face4wife2sit]

You see tendencies in someone and just have this gut feeling that they would enjoy being a part of the kink world, how would you go about it.
I think the tendencies are in every man, even if he doesn't admit it, to want to worship women. My theory is that the dominant man dominates in order to cover up his desperate desire to submit to women which he thinks will rob him of control. He doesn't understand that yielding control to a woman will set him free!

[Jadis]

I think the tendencies are in every man, even if he doesn't admit it, to want to worship women. My theory is that the dominant man dominates in order to cover up his desperate desire to submit to women which he thinks will rob him of control. He doesn't understand that yielding control to a woman will set him free!

I do believe that's got some semblance of truth: many men have latent submissive natures ... partly because they're forced to be Dominant all day and society believes that's the only role for them. I think when they find that they can give unto someone ... whether a woman or another man in a homosexual sense - then they find that just because they are submissive doesn't mean that they are worthless or weak ... just giving their due.

[kenrug]

I think we tend to over-generalize. Stereotype. Some men are dominant sexually because they enjoy the same things that dominant women enjoy: a level of control of what happens. Some men are dominant in non-sexual ways for the same reason. If you happen to be “arrogant” enough to think you have a good plan then it makes sense for you to take the lead in events. If you have the, uh, guts, to do so.

There seems to be a real disconnect between sexual and non-sexual preferences with both sexes at times. In short, there’s occasionally no way to predict. And that’s kind of an entertaining angle to this whole thing: you never know who’s a subbie.

However, it’s often true that men who are dominant in conventional life are submissive sexually. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m one of those creatures and, therefore, I can speak from personal perspective.

Dominance, for me, in a conventional sense, is just a necessity. In order to get things done you must direct the actions of others. And, if you believe you know how to get “things” done in the best way, then it follows that people should do what you say. To get them to, well, takes a certain amount of self-assurance and pluck. There’s no way around that. Somebody must draw the map and set the course.

But in sexuality, we must be ourselves. At those times we deserve to be ourselves, and to be a little bit self-serving in that. Expectations of others have an importance at times, but sometimes they don’t. And in personal sexuality we are free to indulge ourselves.

And if that means serving the needs of the women we adore, then so be it. I feel no complexity about this. It’s an aspect of me that I actually respect. It’s a liberty of thought that would scare the shit out of lesser men. :D

I’m free to do that without reservation because I know that the women I adore appreciate the adoration. And isn’t that what it’s really all about? Friends coming together and complimenting each other?

“you’re the priestess, I must confess” – fun, ain’t it? :D