Is a Mistress made or born?

[Raine]

First of all, I am new to these boards, and just wanted to introduce myself with a bit of a discussion.

This question has long been a subject of conflict for me, both in my personal and professional life as a writer of fiction and fetish articles. The question has once again confronted me in my life and I thought this forum would be the perfect place to discuss the topic. :)

On the one hand, and based purely on my own personality, experiences and environment growing up, I can say with a great degree of certainty that a dominant woman is born, and I think one can particularly see this in the vision of the ‘tomboy’. Even a girl who does not play sports, but simply bosses or leads their boy friends to act in a manner of 'her' choosing can be said to exhibit tomboyish qualities, or at least as culture likes to call the qualities in regards to youth.

However, I am not as confident to make the claim that a ‘Mistress’ is ‘born’. Certainly, I think that some dominant women become Domme’s, and yet not all of them do. In fact, I would lean toward suggesting that a Domme is made. This is simply my opinion and I do not presuppose that everyone would, or even should agree and I will explain my belief more thoroughly when I digest some of your responses.

To Domme’s I would like to ask whether you think a Mistress is born or made, and how or why?

Similarly, to sub’s I think your opinion on whether you believe your Mistress is made or born would give an equally unique insight to the topic.

Quite the introduction to me, I know, but I love a good discussion.

[HoustonFetish]

This is a "femdom" forum but being that this is a BDSM section I think I'll test the bounds here.
When I met my new gf, she told me right off that she was a subbie. Hmmm well so am I, I figured. How was this trample stuff gonna work? I soon found that she brought out a dominant side in me in the area of BDSM. Things that I remember thinking when I was younger but quickly put them out of my head. After all, I was raised in a conservative family. Looking back now, I have to say that my dominant side has always been there. I was born with this, she just helped bring it out.

On her side, she always considered herself a sub. When I introduced her to trample however, SHE found a dominant side in her that far surpasses any trampler I've been under. She gets downright MEAN with those stomps and jumps to point where I'm doubled over holding my stomach, and she's STILL kicking me. She found her dominant side...that I believe has been there all along as well.

In conclusion, I'd have to go with inborn.

[Raine]

This is a "femdom" forum but being that this is a BDSM section I think I'll test the bounds here.



I am pretty sure this was a question to Domme's. I merely invited, and very politely, subs to answer, I hardly expect me to have to assert myself in a forum, where I post a name and not title. Too bad you didn't get the orginal ask or understand the question, but thank you for your post, it is much insightful in this one sentance. (nods politely)

[HoustonFetish]

I hardly expect me to have to assert myself in a forum, where I post a name and not title. Too bad you didn't get the orginal ask or understand the question, but thank you for your post, it is much insightful in this one sentance. (nods politely)

You've lost me in the grammatical translation there. I did understand the question just fine...however, I was applying it to myself as a male who believes that the dom side was inborn. It surfaced later when opportunity arose.
I merely stated this was a "femdom" forum because some don't take too kindly when people like myself begin discussing things with men in control ;)

[Raine]

You've lost me in the grammatical translation there. I did understand the question just fine...however, I was applying it to myself as a male who believes that the dom side was inborn. It surfaced later when opportunity arose.
I merely stated this was a "femdom" forum because some don't take too kindly when people like myself begin discussing things with men in control ;)

Apologies. :( I misread you as sarcastic the other night. :) Thank you for your take, I welcome it, TD, very much. How do you believe domination is inborn? Do you equate the domination you have learned with being a Master?

[DU007]

Interesting question...


I can only speak from my own observations, of course - and I'd love to hear the views of the Dominant ladies here - but, I suspect its probably a bit of both...ie born, and made....But, its probably not that straightforward, either.


I suspect that all women that have Dominant characteristics have a dominant instinct built into their genes - ie something they are born with....BUT, not all women that have dominant instincts are sexually dominant.


I've known many women that are natural, and dominant, leaders in life - powerful in business, in politics, in social activities - women that have drive, and determination, and the will to win, or have their way....yet, have shown no sexually dominant instincts in the bedroom at all. On the contrary, if anything, I have seen an opposite tendency in some women like this - even submissive sexual characteristics.


Similarly, I've known women that appear to be neutral in the daily business of their lives, but are ferociously sexually dominant in private...


Then, of course, there are those that show dominant - or submissive - tendencies in all they do.


My own feeling is that, given she possess the instinctive dominant genes in the first place, much depends upon the impact of life and opportunity in determining whether these instincts flower into actual sexual dominant activity....Perhaps, a receptive, and supportive, partner can bring it out, or trigger it...Perhaps, a particular experience she undergoes, or the influence of one, or more, friends that she respects, or admires....Perhaps, even misuse, or abuse, may turn those instincts into an angry form of sexual dominance...Perhaps its opportunity....Or, perhaps it just flowers as she grows...

But, whatever the triggers - and there may be no apparant 'triggers' at all - I feel the raw material is held within her natural dominant genes....In other words, its at least partly born...


Having said that, I've seen many women that say they have no natural interest in, or need for, dominant sexuality - yet, they can 'role-play' (pretend) as 'Dominant' very effectively....Perhaps they do it to please their partner...Perhaps they do it for sexual variety....Perhaps they do it for the fun of it, in certain situations...But, whatever the reason, they are not natural Dommes, yet they play the part extremely well...

...In these cases, my impression is that they can enjoy it - sometimes enormously - but, its not a central need for them, nor a satisfying sexual fulfillment, of itself.


Sexual chemistry is incredibly complex - and, I'd suggest, female sexuality is the most complex of all. The mind is the most powerful of all sexual organs - and the interplay between mind and emotion, and mood and moment, is one of the greatest of all mysteries....

...It can mean, for example, that in two apparantly identical situations - with two identical people - on two seperate occasions - one of them can be an earth-shattering sexual experience for the female Dominant....and the other leave her completely cold...


Why...?....Because not only, imo, is female Dominant sexuality both born and made....but She re-makes her sexual mood every single day, as well....:)

.

[HoustonFetish]

Apologies. :( I misread you as sarcastic the other night. :) Thank you for your take, I welcome it, TD, very much. How do you believe domination is inborn? Do you equate the domination you have learned with being a Master?

Oh no...sorry if it sounded that way. I'm only sarcastic on here if someone begins insulting a model or someones work. Other than that I'm very easy going :)

I'm by NO means a Master in the BDSM sense. She's brought a side out that I've always known was there, but I haven't fully explored it. I believe mine was inborn in that I've always had this. My parents were conservative, but not church going people. Meaning that I'd see stuff on HBO and all..sex scenes on movies they watched and I got my own ideas from that and came up with my own variations.

On her side, she's always considered herself a sub to men but a dominant to women. When I introduced her to trample though, omg she just let loose with it. She has become quite dominant in our trample play and being a bit of a "switch" myself...I've encouraged some other dom play on her part. Slapping, choking, spanking, we've tried quite a bit and the list to try is still long. Some of it is fun and just "feels" right to both of us. If she does something to me and we go "this feels like it should be the other way around" then we know that its an area for MY dom side to handle.

I believe being a Dom is an inborn trait. It takes the right person/opportunity to bring it out sometimes though

[Strict Susan]

There are many different types of "Mistresses" - with different motivations and different desires.

I don't believe that the "tomboy" type frequently becomes dominant as she grows up. Quite often there is a complete change of character in the teens, almost as though there is something in us that rebels against whatever we were as children and demands the opposite. Having said that, I have noticed that many younger girls with a particular interest in horse riding DO become very dominant when they are adults - as if the urge to dominate something larger and stronger than themselves turns from horses to men as soon as an awareness of their own sexuality starts to emerge properly.

Also, the “tomboy” type of girl is often (although not always) either a hater of men or envious of them. That type of character and, more importantly, attitude rarely makes a good or successful Mistress, and by “successful” I mean a Mistress who enjoys and is satisfied with her dominance. Being a Mistress is very much about attitude, but it’s an attitude that I don’t believe can be achieved with any success unless genuine emotions, feelings and desires are there behind it.

I was only really aware of the urge to dominate after I had had some (considerable) experience of sex - and the two pleasures have, for me, always been inextricably entwined. Certainly there were indications earlier, and later I was able to identify particular experiences that might have pointed me to what would happen in the future if only I had been able to recognise them at the time. I think I have written here about at least one of them, but even so when they happened I had no idea what they really were and no clue of the excitement that lay ahead.

Nor, I must say, is a dominant necessarily a "domme" in the normal sense. A "professional" domme may well receive pleasure from her work and some, perhaps many, may being doing the work because they enjoy it. For many dominants, however, their domination may never leave their own house and their own very specific one-to-one relationships. A few might play at domination because that's what their men want, yet others find something much more than that in it. A genuine excitement, primarily sexual, at being in total control of a sexual situation: THAT’s what defines a real dominant and separates her from those who only play at it and those who do it ONLY because they make money out of it (which doesn’t mean to say that some of those who make money out of it aren’t also real dominants).

So coming back to the original question, “Is a Mistress made or born?”, I think the answer is “both”. I believe many, many of us have the capacity to be true Mistresses, and that capacity is undoubtedly born in us. Unfortunately, few of us recognise it and take advantage of it. Dominating, controlling, denying and even giving (when it’s in the way WE want) is the greatest, the most satisfying, the most natural and the most exciting of all possible activities. Once we recognise our capacity to truly enjoy it, there is no going back – there can’t be. Who would give up paradise once we’ve found it? The difficulty so often seems to be to find it in the first place or, having found it, to recognise it for what it really is.

Susan

[Raine]

Sexual chemistry is incredibly complex - and, I'd suggest, female sexuality is the most complex of all. The mind is the most powerful of all sexual organs - and the interplay between mind and emotion, and mood and moment, is one of the greatest of all mysteries....

...It can mean, for example, that in two apparantly identical situations - with two identical people - on two seperate occasions - one of them can be an earth-shattering sexual experience for the female Dominant....and the other leave her completely cold...


Why...?....Because not only, imo, is female Dominant sexuality both born and made....but She re-makes her sexual mood every single day, as well....:)



Equally interesting and fascinating answer, and I must admit that I particularly love the VERY quotable "She re-makes her sexual mood every single day, as well ..." Never a more interesting sentiment.

I am a big advocate of change, adaptability, variety (but then Alice in Wonderland had a huge impact on me - lol) and often think of the Domme as a creature of artistry, imagination and nuance compared to some of her Dom equals. I see the dominant woman as having realized the power of her nature, or at least her relationship with nature, which is cyclically changing, but like light on a painting, she is never in one moment the same. Again, I see dominant women as born, and I view some Dommes et al as having been re-born thru the relationship of their very nature or as you state.

While I understand that one can re-make themselves, I suppose my personal conflict comes from the same sentiment for which I quote you. To re-make oneself implies that one was made in the first place, and therefore what part of the Domme is made?

Was it the chicken or the egg? Circular, I know. However, it does make me wonder if the Domme is and was and always has been 'made' in a way that "serves" the masochism of submissive men.

Complex? Indeed.

Thanks for the discussion. :)

[Raine]

Oh no...sorry if it sounded that way. I'm only sarcastic on here if someone begins insulting a model or someones work. Other than that I'm very easy going :)

I'm by NO means a Master in the BDSM sense. She's brought a side out that I've always known was there, but I haven't fully explored it. I believe mine was inborn in that I've always had this. My parents were conservative, but not church going people. Meaning that I'd see stuff on HBO and all..sex scenes on movies they watched and I got my own ideas from that and came up with my own variations.

On her side, she's always considered herself a sub to men but a dominant to women. When I introduced her to trample though, omg she just let loose with it. She has become quite dominant in our trample play and being a bit of a "switch" myself...I've encouraged some other dom play on her part. Slapping, choking, spanking, we've tried quite a bit and the list to try is still long. Some of it is fun and just "feels" right to both of us. If she does something to me and we go "this feels like it should be the other way around" then we know that its an area for MY dom side to handle.

I believe being a Dom is an inborn trait. It takes the right person/opportunity to bring it out sometimes though


My post, previously to being kicked out by my F#$%!ng wireless, was much better :xmad: However, it was lost and so I will ask the simple question I ended with a few seconds ago:

When you are a bottom to your top, if she is in a Dominant mood, do you view the adventure as a fantasy or reality?

[Raine]

I have to take off now, but thank you for your post, Susan. I will be back soon to respond.

[Raine]

There are many different types of "Mistresses" - with different motivations and different desires.
I agree and believe women in general, and in this instance 'Mistresses' are unique.

I don't believe that the "tomboy" type frequently becomes dominant as she grows up. Quite often there is a complete change of character in the teens, almost as though there is something in us that rebels against whatever we were as children and demands the opposite.

I am not certain that I agree wholly, yet deinately a girl changes in her teens, but again is it that a girl rebels against herself and her nature, or against the 'experiences' she had as a 'tomboy' or other? Hard to say.

Having said that, I have noticed that many younger girls with a particular interest in horse riding DO become very dominant when they are adults - as if the urge to dominate something larger and stronger than themselves turns from horses to men as soon as an awareness of their own sexuality starts to emerge properly.

Your analogy of the horse riding is rather fascinating. My father bred horses, and we rode whenever we went to visit him. I suppose for me there was a sense of oneness in not only the power of the horse itself, but the beauty when I rode, and beauty, as well as art always overtake my approach to domination. I never associated the horse as something needing taming when young, as it had already been tamed before I rode it. However, this does make for an intriguing discussion regarding ponyplay.

Also, the “tomboy” type of girl is often (although not always) either a hater of men or envious of them. That type of character and, more importantly, attitude rarely makes a good or successful Mistress, and by “successful” I mean a Mistress who enjoys and is satisfied with her dominance. Being a Mistress is very much about attitude, but it’s an attitude that I don’t believe can be achieved with any success unless genuine emotions, feelings and desires are there behind it. I feel this is a generalization. I suppose to answer, I would first need to know why you believe a tomboy type is "often" a hater of men or envious, and second I would want to know what makes you think the 'attitude' of a tomboy type would not particularly be in your definition of a successful Mistresses? ;)

A genuine excitement, primarily sexual, at being in total control of a sexual situation: THAT’s what defines a real dominant and separates her from those who only play at it and those who do it ONLY because they make money out of it

Well, it's all semantics I know, but a Domme, and I use the word in separation from Domay or Dominatrix and to mean a lifestyle, does not always get "sexual" excitement from a scenario or session. It depends, and being rather cerebral sometimes, I would suggest there is a 'pure', intoxicating and transcending pleasure and awe at the handywork of one's craftwomanship and the ability to bring another to pleasure without so much as the whisp of a touch.

Is it sexual? Is creating, looking at or feeling the Mona Lisa sexual? Maybe not to some, or maybe so but maybe also, yet one cannot neglect that it can transcend one somewhere beyond the corporeal.

“Is a Mistress made or born?”, I think the answer is “both”. I believe many, many of us have the capacity to be true Mistresses, and that capacity is undoubtedly born in us. Unfortunately, few of us recognise it and take advantage of it. Dominating, controlling, denying and even giving (when it’s in the way WE want) is the greatest, the most satisfying, the most natural and the most exciting of all possible activities..

Agreed.

[Jadis]

Here's my bit on the subject:

I believe that there is the initial birth of a Domme ... she is a powerful creature even from early on - though she might not realize it in herself for some time. Her strength and attitude aren't something manufactured or put on. You can see it every day, in all aspects of their life. They may have softer, quiet sides ... but in the overall scheme - you can see their ability and their intensity: it's like trying to hide a bon fire ... it's not possible. Their light and energy shine through - even while they're working at their job or hanging out at the mall with friends. You can often see these types of girls right off - watch them grow and mature (about the time puberty strikes you can definitely notice which girls are growing into certain personality types - and from no amount of pushing and leading will change what they naturally are inside).

From that point it's a matter of learning and being exposed to the right environment/stimulus to nurture it (and sadly, some women never are ... they will go through life feeling as if a part of them is, perhaps, missing but never really knowing what it is). Some women go through life knowing only that they are capable and strong ... and yet never realizing what truly powerful creatures they are. Some women may find other venues to explore their power or ability - perhaps trying different sorts of experiences that are outside the realm of the BDSM lifestyle (these women are often successful and very well admired but they just may not be aware of their own nature).

But I also believe it does take a bit of thought and desire: you can't just suddenly one day say "I'm going to Dominate" and expect it to work flawlessly. You have to feel it: want it. You have to be willing to learn, to experience, and to push your own boundaries. And - given the influences and people you meet along the way - you could find out all sorts of different variances in yourself. You may think ... initially ... that you don't like something or don't want to try something, but given the right education and experience with another person, you may suddenly learn that you love it.

And there's my feelings at any rate ^_~

[face4wife2sit]

An expert on the subject, Elise Sutton, teaches that most women have a dominant nature, some know it right away, some discover it usually when their men beg them to dominate them and some never find out because their social environment doesn't let them.

[Raine]

An expert on the subject, Elise Sutton, teaches that most women have a dominant nature, some know it right away, some discover it usually when their men beg them to dominate them and some never find out because their social environment doesn't let them.

:D lol - I was wondring when some discourse would be raised - thank you. However, Mistress Elise also anchors her argument on a theory where the male submissive defines her as a Domme. ;)

[Raine]

Here's my bit on the subject:

I believe that there is the initial birth of a Domme ... she is a powerful creature even from early on - though she might not realize it in herself for some time. Her strength and attitude aren't something manufactured or put on. You can see it every day, in all aspects of their life. They may have softer, quiet sides ... but in the overall scheme - you can see their ability and their intensity: it's like trying to hide a bon fire ... it's not possible. Their light and energy shine through - even while they're working at their job or hanging out at the mall with friends. You can often see these types of girls right off - watch them grow and mature (about the time puberty strikes you can definitely notice which girls are growing into certain personality types - and from no amount of pushing and leading will change what they naturally are inside).

From that point it's a matter of learning and being exposed to the right environment/stimulus to nurture it (and sadly, some women never are ... they will go through life feeling as if a part of them is, perhaps, missing but never really knowing what it is). Some women go through life knowing only that they are capable and strong ... and yet never realizing what truly powerful creatures they are. Some women may find other venues to explore their power or ability - perhaps trying different sorts of experiences that are outside the realm of the BDSM lifestyle (these women are often successful and very well admired but they just may not be aware of their own nature).

But I also believe it does take a bit of thought and desire: you can't just suddenly one day say "I'm going to Dominate" and expect it to work flawlessly. You have to feel it: want it. You have to be willing to learn, to experience, and to push your own boundaries. And - given the influences and people you meet along the way - you could find out all sorts of different variances in yourself. You may think ... initially ... that you don't like something or don't want to try something, but given the right education and experience with another person, you may suddenly learn that you love it.

And there's my feelings at any rate ^_~


Thank you, Jadis. :)