I am taking advantage of this woman. Am i a monster? True story.

Oct 1, 2018
I am 53year old skinny short 5ft3 tall wrinkled face thin lips green eyes grayhaired masculine soft butch single lesbian woman. People call me ugly alot of the times, and also make jokes about my looks. Ever since I was 14 people always call me names.
Since childhood I have suffered taunts about being ugly, short and masculine. I suffered the worst bullying in high school, It was torture..

I have a satin and silk fetish. It's something you get as a child, I don't know how. It's not a condition but it's also not a choice, so I have to live and die with it. I just can’t resist touching and stroking satin fabric because It's just so soft and smooth to touch when rubbing.
I am chair person at AA. I I started drinking when I was a senior in high school. I never had just one drink to look cool, but I drank to get drunk because it made me feel cool—my insecurities seemed to melt away. I started drinking to be more socially acceptable. I was not only no fun to be around, but my drinking had made me socially unacceptable. I drank myself into further isolation. By 2007, I was no longer a “functional alcoholic,” I was a pathetic, 42-year old mess of a raging alcoholic at the bottom of the “circle of acceptance” . One night August 2007 i went to AA meeting and asked for a Sponsor. I’ve never looked back. By the grace of God, not once in 11 years have I even had a craving for a drink. I surrendered and accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic.
For the past two years since September 2016 i am a chair person. I facilitate this all-female AA group. About two months ago this woman joined my group. Five months ago she got a dui because of her own irresponsible decision making, and she is labeled an alcoholic by a drug and alcohol counselor. She is required to go to 2 AA meetings a week for a year. She said that she joined my AA group because of her husband. Her husband doesn't want her round other guys because she had an affair three years ago. Also my group is the only all female AA group within the region. She is a 42year old 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. She has very large massive breasts and she does have a big butt. She has very olive skin. Most of her outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses. She is always on high heels and full make up on. She is curvy, tall and busty, so many clothes tend to look sexier on her than on a thin person. She wears almost always her satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. She doesn't wear anything vulgar but because of her body type anything she wears looks tight on her. She is 5ft10 tall and and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes her HUGE! Standing next to me she looks like a giant. She is married for 16 years and she has a 14 year old daughter. She is very serious, arrogant, and stuck up. Most of other women my group members seem to think she is a stuck up overdressed snob. When she speaks with other women , she tends to be overly nice and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. Also this woman is kinda dumb. Sometimes she says some really stupid/ignorant things. Her geography is extremely bad. If somebody asked her if Australia was in southern or northern hemisphere she wouldn't know. She knows nothing about politics or the ongoing affairs of the world and thinks history is boring. To be honest the reasons I'm drawn to her are her looks and her clothes. Also she is upper middle class,stuck up snob. She is completely stuck up, spoiled and arrogant. She's a deeply unhappy woman and the only way she can feel better about herself is by feeling 'superior' to others.
After her fourth meeting i couldn't resist i started rubbing her back with with my both hands while she was standing as i was standing behind her. I said to her "Your back is so sore"(that was just an excuse to touch her since she is always dressed in satin and silk clothes). She said that community center is on her work to home route and that she attends our group meetings straight from work and that she is always exhausted. Since then i touch her alot.
Often during the meetings i sit next to her, usually with my arm around her waist and my head on her shoulder. Before and after the meetings i am always hugging her around her waist.Sometimes several hugs in a row.I also always place my hand on her butt when i stand beside her.I just touch her big ass and leave my hand there. Also i slap her ass as a way of saying hi.

Also because this touchable woman is tall and always on high heels and i am really short(my face is exactly the level of her boobs) always when i am hugging her i am pressing my face on her massive soft breasts and i am "accidentally"coping a feel of her ass. Any time she is even within arm's reach, I am caressing her. I am constantly patting her lower back and touching her hair. Often before the meetings on the parking lot I wrap my hands around her waist, tight from behind and hug her in a way that she can't move. I often hold hands with her, whether I'm with her outside on the parking lot talking and we're just standing there holding hands or whether we're walking. Linked fingers, sometimes. I always link arms with her and walk leaning into her.

Three weeks ago after the meeting she walked up to me to sign her paper card and i couldn't resist I placed my hands on her massive soft breasts and moved them in a circular motion while i was facing her. She said that she is straight and that she never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female and that just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes her cringe. I said to her that she is mis-reading the creep factor as i was feeling up and stroking her breasts. On the next meeting in the hallway i hugged her tight from behind subtly placing my hands on her massive soft breasts and cupped and started to stroke her breasts . She just stood there stiff as a board not saying a word. Since than I often stroke,jiggle and squeeze her massive soft boobs randomly during the meetings, for short bursts in front of other women my group members or long extended breast-fests when no one is around before and after the meetings, usually on the parking lot. Her large massive tits are so soft and squishy . I love her height and her curvy stature. Standing next to me she looks like a giant. She dresses in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. She is always on high heels and full make up on. She has a more stylish sense of fashion but she keeps herself well covered. She is not particularly fond of wearing revealing clothes. She prefers to wear covered, yet form fitting fashionable clothes. Other women my AA group members find this bizarre, but because i am the chair person, they don't question it. Also they don't like her. She is considered by these women arrogant, upper middle class, over dressed snob. They are hostile and rude towards her. When she smiles at them , some simply stare back . Others just stare at her like she is an alien. And so most of these women stay away from her. It's gotten to the point where even if she tries to talk to them, they usually blow her off and walk away.

I get away with rubbing,touching,hugging and groping this touchable woman all the time, simply because she lets me. She always laughs uncomfortably and tries to be as dismissive of the situation as possible. Instead of immediately and publicly denouncing me, she tries to defuse the situation as quietly as possible. She tries to be polite and as unaggressive as possible. Due to to her intense fear of conflict with me since i sign her paper. She just automatically want to do everything possible to keep conflict down with me and sacrifices her dignity for it. I do have power over her. I can muck things up for her with her probation officer. Her probation officer calls me to verify her attendance. I sign her attendance sheets. Also i often say to her that she is not showing the neccessary commitment. I am pressuring her to attend my AA group meetings every day. I often say to her that she is on a well deserved probation. Also i am respected and well liked in the AA community on a regional level. I am important to her ,so she is willing to sit/stand out the groping,rubbing and hugging. She can't even say no or push me away. But she is unresponsive to my touch. Usually when my hands are all over her she just kinda... let me do the groping, touching,rubbing and hugging , but she basically just sit/stand pretty stiffly. She disappears into her head and goes limp or rigid.

I feel like a monster for something that I can't stop doing. And I feel so guilty. I am aroused by rubbing this woman. I hate that i have grown accustomed to it. What is wrong with me? I am too sexually attracted to her. I just can't help myself because this is the way that I am, this is how my body react to her body and her shiny soft and smooth to touch when rubbing clothes. The thrill I get from touching and rubbing this woman through her satin and silk clothes is so powerful. It makes me feel invincible -- it makes me feel like I might never have to feel ashamed or insecure again. She is so radiant and tall and big and soft. I know that I shouldn't do it but it is difficult to resist the urge to touch her.It's getting out of control. I want to stop touching her and rubbing her but feel like I can’t.I am drawn to her. I am short skinny and ugly.My whole life i can’t attract the women i find attractive. I’m wondering if I really am just a creepy pervert. It’s making me so anxious and I just really need some nonjudgmental advice. I’m really panicking about this. I’m severely attracted to this touchable woman and i can’t keep my hands off her. I’m worried that I’m taking advantage of this woman. I didn’t think much of it at first. She is objectively very attractive, much hotter than any woman I’ve ever slept with. Also she is always dressed in satin an silk clothes which doesn't help the situation. This touchable woman is 100% straight. She would never want to kiss a woman. She is very sexually attracted to men. She is literally 100% straight. I hate being turned on by rubbing and touching her through her satin and silk clothes and I can't seem to stop myself! It is pure physical attraction, not emotional. I am touching her, rubbing her and groping her for my sexual pleasure.
It is all my fault.

I keep asking why me. Why I have to be such a pervert? I feel so dirty and guilty. I just hate myself. Now I'm convinced I'm a perv and a sexual freak. Why am I like this? Why? My other problem is that all the women i gotten far with were not my physical type.My whole life i can’t attract the women i find attractive. By the way, this has been an issue for me since I was 16.I think i'm really ugly. I think i am just exceptionally unattractive or have some sort of defect in my demeanor and there's nothing i can do about it. Now I'm convinced I'm a perv and a sexual freak. Why am I like this? Why? I am definitely post menopasual. I lost all drive when I was 49 and menopause was beginning four years ago. Had all the usual symtpoms: hot flashes, memory issues, moods, dry as a bone, no libido, periods becoming sporatic. My sex drive over the last two years has been on a steady rise. But now, all I can do is think about getting laid. I have this urge which grabs me without any notice or outside stimulation. I am thinking about sex with this touchable woman all the time. Though alone, I still have lots of very satisfying sex -- just not with partners. I have to keep telling myself I'm not hurting anyone and aside from the fact that it's a bit of a time waster -- it's not hurting me either. There are worse things I could be doing with my time.

Maybe I am a monster -- and maybe I like that. The reality is deep inside I know that i am hideous looking , every time I walk past a mirror I feel a pang in my heart as I'm reminded what everyone else is looking at . Being an ugly short skinny masculine soft butch lesbian just leads you to a viscous circle which if your lucky enough will break one day but otherwise you will be in a dark pit for a lot of your life . I'm about 5'3", and when I'm out and about and look around myself on a typical day, most people seem well and truly taller than me (including women). I feel a kind of resentment, over having been born this height, identifying as a lesbian and being attracted to women, none of which I regard as my choice. I also feel envious of tall butch lesbians. When I was a teenager, the other girls were into boys. But me... I was always left out, and terrified. I already felt like a monster at age 11 or 12 or so when I first started going through puberty. Because I knew I wasn't like the other girls, and attracted to what they are.
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